


Not Yet

by detective_prince



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, M/M, Redemption
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-22 03:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12472768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/detective_prince/pseuds/detective_prince
Summary: Light isn’t ready to part, not just yet, he hasn’t had enough time with L.Not yet.Fuck, fuck, fuck.This wasn’t supposed to happen.He wasn’t supposed to care for him so much.-Light doesn't mean to spare L's life, but he does. And he has to live with that.





	1. The Bells

L isn’t sure how much time passes as he gives Light a deep foot massage, though at least the gasps and groans of pain have mostly subsided (“I told you you’d get used to it quickly,” L had whispered, Light had rolled his eyes). But still, part of L hopes to fill the silence that’s fallen over them. He’s not sure how much longer he’ll be able to speak. “It’ll be lonely won’t it?” Light does little more than give him a questioning look, his breath hitching slightly. “You and I will be parting ways soon.” Light’s eyes soften a fraction, lips parting as he hopes to find words that cannot escape him.

He didn’t want what he’d been feeling, thinking, for the past few days to be vocalized. He’s felt it in the air, known that bad things were coming for L, which means a grand victory for Kira.

But hearing they're going to be parting ways… feels wrong.

It makes it more final.

More real.

This is the part of being Kira that Light doesn’t take to quite as easily. At least not anymore, before his time with L tracking down the Yotsuba group he would have struck L down in a heartbeat and reveled in the relief brought with his death. Now, Light isn’t so sure that L’s death will be freeing. It makes his stomach churn to see how his iron will has degraded over time. How soft losing and regaining his memories has made him.

“I’ll miss you,” His voice is barely audible, but with the silence that hangs thick in the air, it’s impossible for L not to catch it.

He smiles, though it’s pained, “I know.”

Though it isn't said aloud, the meaning is conveyed. _I’m going to die today and it’s your fault._

Light swallows hard, looking upwards to avoid seeing L’s face. Looking at him under the current circumstances makes him feel like he's being clawed apart, knowing what pain the future will bring him.“You’re… the first friend I’ve ever had too,” Light says after a pause, “The first one that was real. That mattered.”

L lets out a dark laugh, it isn’t one Light thinks he’s heard before. “We’ve become more intimate than that by now, Light.”

All Light can do is nod. “Yeah… but still.”

Memories of nights alone together on their floor of the building flood his mind. The way Light had unintentionally snuggled up to L night after night, limbs tangling awkwardly together during the evenings that L slept too. Tender fleeting first kisses, teeth clashing together, flushed cheeks, and shy smiles. Laughter and warm touches as they fumbled around in bed, neither all too sure of what they were doing.

It's unfortunate that he's going to be stuck with these.

“Shall we go back?” L asks softly, interrupting Light’s reminiscence.

Light leans forward, brushing away the hair that fell in front of L’s eyes with a bittersweet smile. “Just… a few minutes longer, Ryuzaki.” He just wants to savor the short time he has left with him.

Those bells L hears…

They must be for a funeral.

Light isn’t ready to part, not just yet, he hasn’t had enough time with L.

Not yet.

Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

He wasn’t supposed to care for him so much.

But the idea of L leaving him now leaves a hollow ache in his chest that he can’t shake away with the promise of a new world. He’s tried so hard these past few days, but all he finds himself wanting is L. What had the memory loss _done_ to him? How can  _he_ love _L_ , his enemy?

“L, do you…?” Light trails off, glaring down at his hands which have committed an atrocity he struggles to justify. He’s more or less signed L’s death warrant himself without touching pen to paper, hasn’t he? Somehow, this makes things all the worse.

“Do I what, Light?” This is a special occasion. They’re alone together in one of the stairwells. L can let Light call him by name just this once. Who knows how many times he’ll hear his own name again after this? This could be the final time he ever hears it.

“Never mind, it’s… like one of those things we talked about out there,” Light says with a wave of his hand, “Not something that needs to be taken seriously. Just… forget I said anything.”

“Light… You’re welcome to speak your mind.” He grips his hand and his eyes widen slightly. Is Light trembling? “You seem troubled, let me ease your mind.” Kira or not, there’s a soft spot in L’s heart for Light. Perhaps that is why he knows he’s going to die soon.

“Is there a chance that you ever would have tried to understand Kira?” It’s a confession in way, Light supposes. Not valid enough for the task force or the law, but L knows this question is only asked because Light _is_ Kira. It’s otherwise irrelevant, they both know this because they both know L is going to die.

L also knows what Light is _really_ asking and yet, he doesn’t want to bring himself to answer the real question. _Could you have supported Kira? Worked alongside him?_ “I have, Light, you know I have a very well established a psychological profile for each Kira as it stands.”

“Each?” Light gives a bitter laugh, despite the fact that he can’t bring himself to be surprised, “You still haven’t given that up?”

L sighs, reaching up to cup Light’s cheek and let their eyes meet once more, “I can’t give up what must be true.”

Light’s heart feels like it drops down into his stomach and bile rises in his throat. He swallows hard, he knows he’s drowning in the dark abyss of L’s eyes.

Why does L have to oppose him?

Why can’t they rule together side by side?

Why must L make this so difficult?

Light doesn’t want to have to chose.

But L will die today.

There’s no other way that Light can possibly get what he wants, he’ll endure the pain.

“I’m ready to go back, Ryuzaki.”


	2. Oh, Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This… doesn’t sit well with Light.

Their return to the central area of the headquarters is greeted with yelling. “Ryuzaki! What’s the meaning of all this?!” Light is surprised to hear anger tinting Matsuda’s voice alongside his disbelief. L must have gone above them again with a plan he knew the rest of the task force would disapprove of. “You’ve somehow gotten approval from another country to use the notebook for an execution?”

Light pales slightly, no longer able to move in step with L, he pauses lingering back a few feet. L did  _ what _ now? So, it’s settled then. They had their last decent conversation in that stairwell and even then, it had been nothing but old memories and conflicted emotions. 

This… doesn’t sit well with Light. 

L crouches in his swivel chair, spinning to face the laptop on the desk, not giving Matsuda a second glance, “Watari, excellent work. Thank you.”

“Not at all,” Comes the reply from the computer. Light supposes he might end up missing Watari too, both men will have to die now that he’s thinking about it. Otherwise Watari will carry out L’s will and continue on with the investigation in a similar manner. The only way Light gets the control he wants is by spilling their blood on his hands.

“First things first-- Please make arrangements to transport the notebook immediately.”

“Right,” Watari replies again.

Light can feel his palms growing damp, a fist clenched at his side. “Ryuzaki, what are you trying to do...?”  _ Why can’t you just leave this well enough alone? _

L opens the notebook in front of him, “I’m going to try out the notebook for real.” He taps his spoon against a blank page of the Death Note.

Light feels a surge of relief at Aizawa’s voice in protest, “We can’t do that! And there is no point in testing it now where we already know that the notebook’s power is real!” Maybe they could convince L to be rational yet.

“And besides, who’s gonna write the name?” Ah, Matsuda would ask the wrong question. “If someone starts writing in the notebook, they’ll have to obey the 13-day rule and keep writing names forever!”

L dismisses it quickly, as expected, “It’s already been worked out. The person who will write in the book is a criminal scheduled to be executed in just over 13 days. If he’s still alive 13 days after writing the name, he’ll be pardoned from execution.”

Matsuda gasps sharply, seeing that L really can’t be swayed. But no one really expects Matsuda to be the one to provide concrete reasoning or logic capable of dissuading L.

Light’s father seemed just as hostile as the rest, “But still, to sacrifice a life--”

“We’re very close!” Light doesn’t think he’s seen L this curt in some time.. Or maybe not at all. “If we work this out, the entire case will be solved.”

The air grows thick and Light sees Rem out of the corner of his eye, tense and glaring. She’s going to kill, he can see it in her eyes. L really is going to die. 

Light speaks before words can even begin to process in his mind. In fact, he has no idea what he says. The tension in the room seems only to have transferred. While Rem no longer looks enraged, all of the other occupants of the room are gaping at him.

Well, everyone but L and his father.

Soichiro’s jaw is firmly set and his hands are clenches at his side, his brows furrowed together tightly. He’s shaking, face tinged red, eyes scorning Light. Light thinks his father is ready to kill.

Well, that had been why Soichiro had been put in confinement those many months ago. Had it turned out Light was Kira back then, they expected that he would kill his son then kill himself out of a mixture of anger and shame. 

It seems that was an accurate line of judgement then. 

However, L would rather the first Kira not die. Not here, not yet, not like this. So, he starts to take action, “Aizawa, Mogi, restrain Soichiro Yagami before he does anything rash.” They snap to attention, doing as L has ordered them as they blink away the shock. They grab their former chief by the shoulders and drag the seething man away.

The glint in L’s eyes is almost predatory as he stares down his only suspect, stepping down from his chair and moving closer. “What game are you playing, Light? Why now are you confessing?”

Confessing?

_ Confessing _ .

He’s told them he’s Kira to save L.

_ Light Yagami, you fucking  _ **_idiot_ ** . This isn’t something he can come back from. Not something he can play off as a joke. But he can lose his memories. “Rem, I rel--”

L is on him in an instant, a hand clamped over Light’s mouth while he snarls and writhes beneath him on the ground. “Not now, not after all this time,” L hisses, looking at Matsuda over his shoulder, “Go to Watari, help him prepare a cell!”

Matsuda jumps up, dashing out of the room, “You got it!”

And it takes all L has to hold Light still as he squirms and thrashes and tries to bite. 

It’s pathetic.

He hates to see that Light has fallen so low.


	3. Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira is childish and hates to lose.

By the time Matsuda comes back into the room with something to use as a gag in hand, L has finally gotten himself in a decent position. His legs pin Light’s arms to the ground while he sits on his chest, clamping his mouth shut tight. As quickly as he can, L maneuvers to get the gag onto Light as painlessly as possible. Despite an audible thud from Light purposely hitting his head on the floor to try to keep him from tying it, L thinks he’s more or less successful in that area.

“Thank you, Matsuda,” L wipes his hands off on his jeans, thankful that the closest Light got to biting were licks and nips during the struggle. L was well aware of the type of damage those teeth could do, he wanted nothing to do with that outside of the business of pleasure. “Could you go get handcuffs? Light should be manageable now.”

Matsuda nods slightly, looking down at Light pitifully, “Was he going to give up ownership of the Death Note...?”

L sweeps Light’s hair out from his eyes, frowning when Light shuts his eyes tightly and turns his head away. He’s ashamed of himself, L can’t really blame him. Light had thought himself untouchable, but he’d dragged himself down. “It appears so…”

Matsuda heads for the door, the moment having grown a little too intimate between the detective and his suspect. The nature of their relationship hadn’t been entirely secret, yet no one willed themselves to acknowledge it either. Especially not Light’s father, he turned the other cheek more often than not.

“You know,” L runs a hand over Light’s cheek, fingers moving over the gag, “You’d joked about wanting to do something like this.. Or maybe you were serious and just feeling shy.. I’ve never been entirely certain.. But I’d really hoped it would have happened outside of interrogation purposes.” He sighs. Part of him really had hoped something like this wouldn’t have happened. While death certainly wasn’t prefered, seeing Light restrained like this against his will stung.

_ Hurting the one you love is always tough. _

Light says something, but it’s not as if L can discern any meaning from his muffled words. But the way he screws his eyes tighter together and cheeks flush tells him it might be embarrassment. Light may still be human, but this whole ordeal must be quite humiliating to a self-proclaimed god. 

But L is flattered, Light has given up his kingdom for him.

Loving Light had been dangerous, and a serious breach of morals considering he was the main suspect in the case, but it had paid off despite Watari’s warnings. For loving Light and being loved in return was undoubtedly the only thing that stopped the bells that had been ringing in his ears all day. 

L was meant to die, but here he sits on top of Kira a victor. This is much less satisfying than he’d ever pictured. Some part of him really had hoped Light was innocent, but it had always seemed to good to be true. 

In the end, Light was the only one who could have been Kira.

The perfect rival, the one who created one of his toughest and longest running cases. If it wasn’t Light, it wasn’t a challenge. There wasn’t a point, for he had known all along that only Light could be his equal, his partner in this pas de deux. They need one another, they always have even without knowing it. 

“I’d like to make this as painless as possible, Light,” He grips Light’s chin and points it upwards, reluctantly Light opens his eyes, “I’ll give you some time to calm down, but I won’t allow you to give your memories back up.” Though, he supposes there are ways around it if he tries, but that wasn’t a road L wanted to cross. “You  _ will _ talk me through your process and motivations. And in return, I will get you the best possible treatment while you atone for your crimes.”

When Matsuda returns, they make quick work of forcing Light to roll onto his stomach so they can cuff his hands together. Light squirms and whines and shouts, but in the end his protest in futile. With ease, the two lift Light to his feet and drag him down to the holding cell while he throws his head back and thrashes.

Despite confessing rather than finding himself swamped in irrevocably true evidence, Light isn’t much of a sport when it comes to his arrest. Not that it’s ever going to be a formal arrest. No, L will ensure this gets buried in a way only a man of his standing and connections can manage.

Still, it’d be nice if he walked instead of dragging his feet or trying to throw himself to the ground. 

Not that L can blame him, from the start he’s known that Kira is childish and hates to lose.


	4. Broken Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light has spent about four days in solitary confinement without food or water.

Light has spent about four days in solitary confinement without food or water. 

Though, L supposes, it's not really solitary, Watari goes in to  _ try  _ to feed him at least four times a day and L talks to him almost constantly and offers his physical presence. Light just rejects seeing anyone. 

When L talks to him, he keeps it as professional as possible from another room. He doesn’t feel betrayed like the others do, though even they seem to pity Light now that they see he’s serious about his refusal to eat. From what they understood, Light isn’t the type to get like this. Though, he hadn’t seemed like the type to kill either. Not that they’re entirely sure  _ why _ Light isn’t eating. Is he refusing because he regrets the murders he’s caused? Or does he just regret confessing?

L can’t say he really cares about the reasoning behind it, he just wants Light to eat and drink. 

To look alive again. 

To stop agonizing himself, he’s clearly been in pain the past two days. Whenever L isn’t talking to him, he curls up on himself, whimpering quietly and hiding his face from the camera. 

He’s torturing himself.

So when L talks to Light, it's never threats or pressure, just gentle promises that he fully intends to keep.

If Light talks, they can work on more permanent arrangements for him. Or move him to some place more comfortable. Or at least help pick him up on the floor, considering he’d maneuvered his way down there and hadn’t gotten back onto the bed since. If Light eats, they’ll consider bringing in his mother or Sayu for a sense of comfort, they don’t know he’s Kira yet. If Light eats or drinks, L will finally go down there in person.

He has the answer he wants, now he just needs the story.

L presses the talk button on the microphone that connects to the holding cell’s speakers, “Light Yagami, four days ago you claimed to be the first Kira. You also claimed to have forced Misa Amane into being the second Kira.” 

While Light shifts to look up into the camera, he doesn't do much else but stare. His eyes are vacant with dark circles beneath them, his cheeks hollow and skin pallor. L sincerely hopes he stops his hunger strike soon, he hates seeing him like this. Hates seeing him hurt himself like this.

At least Light is no longer gagged, they’d managed to do away with that two days ago. He’s given up on relinquishing the Death Note, thankfully, Rem has never been close enough to hear him in his little soundproof cell with Amane around. She’d rather stick close to the girl and ignore Light in favor of protecting Misa, L has no qualms with that. 

Amane is back on the floor she used to occupy during her memory loss, rather than a cell. Rem is still willing to kill him, so, L doesn't want to put Misa in a dangerous spot. The shinigami can kill them all with ease. So, they've granted Misa immunity for the time being, L isn't sure if that'll change even if Light’s story does. 

L’s not ready to die, not yet. 

For now, he’ll just focus on Light. 

“We have Misa Amane.” 

Light's eyes seem to gain some life to them at that, though L can't entirely place the emotion behind them. They’re wide and darting quickly back and forth, before Light directs his gaze downwards. Was it fear? Anger?

“We have yet to interrogate her, but we will if you don't comply.” And they both know Misa’s story won't add up in the part that counts most. No one forced her into being Kira, it was a choice made of her own volition and she isn't likely to back down on that. 

“I'm not asking for answers right now.” Light's brows furrow together tightly at that, skepticism in his eyes. L’s almost a little hurt by that, but he gets it. Light is the murderer they’ve spent well over a year looking for. “I just want you to eat  _ something _ , Light. Can't you do at least that much?”

Light is silent for a long while. Long enough for L to give up hope on getting through to him for now, he supposes there’s always later. He’d like to try to get Light to eat willingly, before deciding he needs to take drastic measures. 

Thankfully, for the first time in days, L hears him speak, “Fine.” It's low and hoarse and hushed, but that's to be expected. It's been awhile since he's spoken a word or hydrated himself. 

It was Light who made this a difficult confinement this go around. It wasn't around the clock forced sleep deprivation. Or forcing him to wake just after he’d finally gotten to sleep. Or throwing off his circadian rhythms. Or scattering his meals so sporadically. Or changing the room’s heating from one extreme to another. 

He doesn’t need a confession this go around, he’s less desperate.

Kira is who he's been sleeping with. 

Who he's come to love.

“I’ll have Watari prepare something at once,” He pauses, “Thank you, Light.”

“Will you…” Light swallows hard, grimacing at how raw his throat is, “sit with me while I eat?”

“Of course,” L is more than willing to uphold his promise to Light, “Would you like me to bring you water when I come down?” It’s taking an endless amount of effort to not run down there to take care of him at that very second.

Light nods vigorously, “Please.”

“I’ll be there soon, Light,” He turns off the microphone, “Watari?

He nodded, “I’ll go prepare something.”

“Thank you.” L stood from his chair, walking towards the door with Watari, before stopping in his tracks, “Before you stop by the cell, cut off the task force’s audio and video feed.”

“Right.”

Aizawa slams his hand down on the table, “ _ What _ ?”

“I don’t trust you not to take advantage of the ability to a communication line to the cell.” L remembers the way Matsuda lashed out at Misa all those months ago. He’s just gotten Light to speak after four full days of silence, he can’t lose this progress because of childish outbursts. “You may view the tapes after the fact if anything of relevance comes up.”

“Ryuzaki,” Matsuda begins, “That isn’t fair, we--” But L doesn’t stick around to hear the rest. 

Yes, he knows they’ve been tirelessly working on the case as well, but until Light  _ confessed _ they refused to believe he was Kira. Besides, he’s sure all of them will be none too thrilled with his lingering affections towards Light. He may be acting like a child now, but L thinks the Light he spent so much time chained to must still exist somewhere inside of the megalomaniac he’s returned to being.

L grabs a few water bottles and some bread (to hold him over while Watari makes something  _ good _ ) from the kitchen located in the central area, frowning slightly. They’d had a number of late night excursions here, several of which involved mocking Light’s poor attempts at cooking for himself. Thinking about it leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth. 

He earnestly hopes that the Light he’d made so many memories with still exists within the confines of where Kira has taken over. He sighs and shakes it off. He can’t keep Light waiting because he’s finding himself stuck in the past. 

The elevator ride is long and tedious because L makes it that way. He’s entirely lost in himself, a whirlpool of swirling thoughts and worries and memories in the shape of Light’s image drag him in deeper and deeper.

-

Light jolts at the sound of bare feet padding down the hallway, awkwardly shifting his weight so he could get onto his knees to look. Unfortunately, his weak body won’t do what he commands and he manages to fall onto his side. With a pained grunt, he works his way back into a sitting position. Unfortunately, he’s woozy. He expended a lot of energy for something that failed so miserably.

This is his fault really, he's put himself here. They offered him food and water and up until now he's rejected it time and time again. 

He wants to suffer. 

He deserves it. 

Not because he's Kira but because he's let himself down by letting L live.

When L opens the cell door, he doesn’t bother to shut it behind him. Light is pitifully weak, he can’t escape even if he wants to. Somehow the thought hurts L more than he wants it to. 

He shakes it off, setting the bread and water down on the bed so he can scoop Light up in his arms. 

He’s so terrifyingly frail.

L sits on the bed, Light in his lap and clinging to his shirt while he uncaps a water bottle and presses it to his lips. Light snatches it from L’s hand, drinking it all too quickly and far too messily. L sighs, doing his best to wipe off the water that’s spilled down Light’s chin and throat while Light grabs almost desperately for another bottle.

“Slow down,” He murmurs, “You’re going to get more on you than in you.” Light only gives a halfhearted whine, reaching for another water bottle. “Light, how about you eat something..” L places the small roll into Light’s hand, “It isn’t much, but it’ll do until Watari brings you something.” Reluctantly, Light starts to nibble at it while L strokes his his hair. 

“You really scared me, Light.” L cradles him closer, pressing his face against Light’s hair, “You can’t… do things like this. It’s dangerous.”

All he gets is a hoarse whisper of, “Sorry.” But it’s more than enough right now, just seeing Light taking care of himself again, being willing to live. 

Today is a day of progress, even if he spends most of it promising Light that no one is going to kill him. Though, L’s not sure how happy that idea actually makes him. Only time will tell, he just hopes he finds out sooner rather than later.

-

When Watari comes down with a proper meal, the look he gives them is weary. It isn’t exactly professional for L to sit there with a criminal cuddled up against his chest. But he isn’t able to voice his thoughts or judge. 

L had taken away that right after A and B.

He can’t blame L for his reaction, it’s the sort of thing he should have expected. But that doesn’t mean he’s not going to question him at a time like this, it’ll happen later, of course, in private. L would have his head if he did anything that might set Light back in terms of progress.  

“Thank you, Watari.” The meal isn’t too heavy, it’s a soup and a salad, which is for the best. They don’t want him to get sick after going so long without food, that would only serve to make things worse. Right now, L is the only one who cares for Light’s best interests, he has to make sure he’s surviving at the very least.

These four days of self-inflicted pain have hopefully been enough for Light to at least consider doing what’s best for himself. 

All Light has to do is talk and they can move on from the worst of this.

Light moves to grab the soup spoon himself, but L takes it before he can. Light’s hands have been shaky, the last thing they need is for him to get scalding hot soup everywhere. “Let me help.”

“‘M not a child, L,” He protests weakly.

L sighs, “I never said that you were. But, please, just let me do this much for you.” Light lets his hand drop uselessly to his lap again, letting L spoon feed him. It’s not unpleasant, but he feels childish now. He’s only in this position because of his own carelessness towards his health. 

Maybe he should be a little more thankful that L is willing to do this much for him.

L and Kira are supposed to be enemies after all.


	5. Words Sting

It doesn't take much convincing after the incident where he needed to be fed, Light sees the importance in getting this over with.

It's time to stop playing this silly game.   
  
He's lost.   
  
Light agrees to talk about his time as Kira, but it comes with one main condition. When it's all said and done, he wants to relinquish control of the notebook for the final time. L isn't sure this is the best course of action, but as of right now, he's willing to comply. He just wants to get past the worst of this.

He wants to be able to move on, to bring Light back to England with him. Such a brilliant mind won’t go to waste in a prison, but Light can never be completely freed. He’s committed genocide, he’s a man with a dangerous mind and dangerous ideals. And with a tongue that charismatic, L knows he’ll be hard to trust. But no one else will be able to handle Light quite like he can.

L sets a room up as quickly as he can. It’s small and rather empty, but it more than does the job. It’s little more than a small table, a few chairs, and a television on the wall, but they don’t need any more than that. It only needs to hold Light long enough for them to record him. They sit Light in front of a camera, L sits to his left mostly out of frame aside from his hand. Light had been insistent on holding it tightly the entire time, it was on the small list of his terms. L was more than content to let him.

Since his initial episode of starvation, Light had seemed more like a teenager than the "God" of a new world.   
It's not so much an interrogation as it is a recount of Light’s side of the story, a look inside his mind.

He starts at the beginning, when he finds the notebook, because at the end of the day this is a story. And as the hero's journey states, you see the hero in their ordinary world before things turn upside down.

He was just a kid.

A pretty face.

Charismatic.

Intelligent.

Depressed

Bored.

He talks about his first two kills, how they affected him. That he was so close to giving it up, how killing had made him sick before he realized the truth. Those men deserved to die. The world was better off without rapists, robbers, murderers, and abusers. How he saw the truth. That the world needed to be cleansed and he was the only one that could do it. He talks about the fury that shook him to the core when Lind L. Tailor called he and his mission evil.

Light’s eyes light up as he recounts leading Penber to his death and the clever way he took care of the rest of the FBI agents. That look stays as he talks about killing Naomi Misora. L pales as he listens, eyes wide. He had known it wasn’t a suicide, but she had been clever… It hurt knowing that the potential of it being an actual suicide was out the window. She was a good woman. Strong, brave, brilliant.

Light talks a lot about L afterwards.

About how he tried to toy with him through his messages and patterns. About how he needed to kill the true evil that opposed him. And how infuriating their meeting at the entrance ceremony was. Not only did L steal his speech _word for word_ , but he’d humiliated Light by introducing himself in public. He talks about the beginning of his obsession, the need to get close and win him over. The need to find a name.

What sticks out the most to L is the description of their tennis match. The start of conflicted feelings for Light. Quite honestly, L finds it flattering that someone found him attractive enough to lust over, even if feelings of hate seemed to embody so much of Light’s words.

When Light talks about Misa and Rem, there’s nothing short of disgust in his voice. They had been a curveball he didn’t want to deal with, a thorn in his side. The reason he was here now, confessing.

He talks of how he _planned_ the confinement to go. About switching the notebooks and gaining L’s trust. And of how he intended for the two biggest obstacles. In his way to go down at once. But they didn’t because L’s still here.   
By this point, Light actually seems to have regained that haughty air being Kira had brought him. He smirks as he talks of little victories, sneers when he talks about killing the FBI agents, grits his teeth as he describes L humiliating him. It’s disturbing for L to watch Light unveil the true nature he’d spent so long hiding.

It makes all of the beauty melt away from Light’s face.  
The end of it all, perhaps is the most difficult for both to bear for entirely different reasons.   
"The biggest flaw in my plan," Light says with a scowl, "Was assuming I'd be able to pick up right where I left off." A god. A man above the rest. And he had been back to himself at first before those pangs in his chest.

"I fell in love with L, who I was chained to almost twenty-four seven as part of a voluntary agreement." Because, legally speaking that sort of thing really doesn't fly otherwise, it’s above the law though L has done his share of illegal things from what Light could tell.

And it technically was willing. Light preferred L's company to that of the holding cell when he lost his memory.

He still prefers L even with his memory.

"Unfortunately, the heart sometimes speaks louder than the mind." L seems a bit miffed by this, but Light can't say he cares.  
  
If L wants honesty, he gets honesty.   
  
Part of him wishes L died five days ago.   
  
Part of him knows he never could have recovered from losing L.   
  
"I didn't mean to confess." He runs his free hand through his hair, "In fact, can't even begin to recall what I said." He furrows his brows together, "But in the moment, I knew L was going to die. And L knew he was going to die soon. When the time came, the words just fell out." There's a look in his eyes that pains L. Resentment. Annoyance. "I saved him by damning myself. My new world."  
  
Light laughs in a way that unsettles L, it's choppy and quiet at first before it grows into something more sharp and sinister. Malevolent. Bitter. "The human heart is so stupid. I was Kira. I should have been above that." He yanks his hand away from L's burying his face in his hands. "I'm a fucking idiot."  
  
"Light..." L swallows thickly. Uncomfortable is an understatement for how he's feeling. His sort-of-lover has spent the better part of an hour actively wishing he was dead. Most people would feel some resentment at that, but.. in a way he understands. "You're not an idiot for stopping my death."

“You’d think that,” Light scoffs, lowering his hands, “You get to live because of my idiotic choices.”

L’s fingers trace over Light’s jaw and he gently turns his face so that their eyes meet. “You’re one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. You aren’t meant to play god, but that doesn’t mean you’re an idiot. I wouldn’t love you if you were an idiot.”

Love.

The word makes Light go rigid.

And he laughs, it’s broken and choked and empty. L can see tears welling up in his eyes and all he can do is smile sadly in return.

“You’re the idiot, L. You _can’t_ -” He cuts himself off with a sharp breath, “You _can’t_ say that. You can’t love me. I tried to _kill_ you. I’ve practically told you I want you dead for being in my way. You _can’t_ \--”

L cuts him off quickly, “I _can_ and I _do_. You turned yourself in to spare me, for you, I can’t begin to comprehend how that must feel, but I understand one thing.” He caresses Light’s cheek gently, smiling as he feels him press back against his hand, “You love me too.”

The waterworks start then. Light all but throws himself at L, burying his face in his shoulder as silent sobs coursed through him. These past days have been.. Confusing. Light has been walking the fine fine line between regret and self-loathing constantly.

It’s easy for him to give up his memories after that, it’s easier to know that he won’t have a part of him that hates L once this is done. It’s easier to know that he’ll never understand what it’s like to want to kill the only person who he’s ever connected to.

It’s easier to know L will be able to love the Light with memory loss properly.

Because Light is certain that L doesn’t actually love him, just who he used to be.


	6. Reality Sets In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even without his memories, things will never be normal again for Light.

L sees it happen for the second time, the changes that happen in the instant Light relinquishes the Death Note. The change is so obvious it hurts, but it wasn’t as if he couldn’t pinpoint the moment Light surrendered the Death Note in his initial confinement on his own. He’d noticed the change immediately back then, it had been suspicious. How the malice had left him in a flash, replacing Kira with an innocent Light. 

The way Light’s eyes change seems to hit home the most, or it’s at least the most obvious. 

They soften in a way that makes him look more innocent, kind, and lovable. He feels like there’s a reasonable human being there instead of conniving, manipulative, and calculating killer. Somehow, actually, it feels like all of Light’s features soften, like he’s still just an innocent eighteen year old. His smiles are less wicked and sharp, his eyes no longer like daggers hiding behind a thin veil of lies. 

Light looks approachable again, rather than the untouchable god-like role he forced himself into.

For a moment or two, Light seems confused. His shoulders square back and his eyes dart about. This isn’t a room he’s been in before. But the moment L’s arms circle around him, Light calms and sinks into the familiar embrace. He feels safe.

“Light.” There’s something sorrowful to L’s tone, but Light can’t place reason behind it. 

Light turns in L’s arms, leaning up to kiss his cheek. “What’s going on?” He can’t say the frown set on L’s face doesn’t bother him. 

It does. 

It bothers him beyond belief.

What could have possibly gotten to him? They’d beaten Kira, they took him down together. Higuchi is dead, unfortunately, but they’ve taken down the worst of it. And they’d already taken to tracking down the Kira that appeared directly after. So, what could be causing that look?

“I have something I need to show you regarding the Kira investigation.” L smiles, it’s bittersweet and it makes Light’s chest ache. Why? Why is L looking at him like that? He doesn’t get it. He’s not sure he wants to anymore.

“What is it?” He does his best to keep his wariness from his voice, he doesn’t want L to know that he’s concerned. 

L grabs the remote control for the television, “Kira’s confession.”

Light's brows knit together tightly, “... We caught the current Kira?”

There’s a good thirty seconds of silence, before L brings himself to answer. “I suppose you could say that, yes.”

Light isn’t sure if what he’s feeling is more parts anger or confusion. “Why wasn’t I there for it..?”

L gives a half-hearted smile, “You’ll understand in time.” 

-

“Be easy on him,” Light said, fiddling with his hands. “He’s more…” He scowls, distaste written plainly on his face, “ _ delicate _ than I am.”

L’s lips twitched upwards, “You say that like losing your memory makes you a completely different person.”

Light rolled his eyes, “You’re telling me it doesn’t?” Sure, the love for L remained, but very little of the Light that was chained to L existed. He isn’t sweet or kind at heart. Light isn’t sure he can even really feel anymore, aside from anger and misery. 

“No, you’re right.” He sighed, “The Light who is Kira and the Light who doesn’t think he’s Kira are two separate entities.”

“I know.” Because he didn’t forget those nights they spent together. He didn’t forget what the ‘good’ Light was like. And he knows that could never be  _ him  _ with the memories of using the Death Note. “So, sit him down and play the video… Don’t be the one to tell him we’re Kira. Let me do that much, it’ll hurt less.”

“... Thank you, Light.” 

“Don’t bother.” Light looks to Rem, “I’m relinquishing ownership of the Death Note, what happens from here is between you and L.”

In his last moments with his memories, Rem thanks him. 

He sneers.

-

They watch the recording together, though it takes more than a little coaxing to keep Light from blocking it out. He doesn’t want to hear any of it, doesn’t want to see the ugly sneer on his own face. L strokes Light’s hair gently, quietly pleading with him to keep his eyes on the screen. Despite his protests, Light’s eyes don’t leave the screen. 

It’s like watching a bad car wreck, impossible to look away no matter how much he wants to.

Light bites the back of his index finger when they hit the end, when ‘Kira’ expresses that he wishes L had died. Because it’s hard to believe that  _ that _ could be a part of him. No, he doesn’t want to believe it. Light is rational, even if he can be over emotional at times. Killing all those people was neither rational nor logical.

While Light had questioned if he was Kira during his time working to uncover their Yotsuba Kira, he never fully readied himself for. 

This was the worst case scenario. 

The possibility that couldn’t be real.

And yet here he is, L prying his raw finger from his mouth muttering a quiet, “Thank god.. you didn't break the skin.” The tears flow like a river, and there’s nothing he can do to stop them. Not that he bothers to try, he’s ashamed of himself. He’s committed one of the largest acts of genocide in recorded human history. 

And he can’t even remember committing these atrocities, which makes it all the worse.

Still, L holds him, whispering sweet assurances and words of love. Promises to do what he can for him. He offers Light two options. He can go to prison and live in near solitary confinement (there’s a prisoner in mind that won’t kill Kira on sight) or he can live out the rest of his days with L. Surprisingly, it takes time for Light to say a thing. 

He pulls away from L, keeping his gaze centered on the floor, hair completely obscuring his eyes. They sit in complete silence for about an hour, before Light finally speaks. “Do you really want me with you…?” He murmurs, staring down at his shaking hands.

“I wouldn’t offer if i didn’t want you around, Light.” He sets his hand on his shoulder, “You know me better than that.” 

With a shaky breath, Light blindly reaches for his hand, refusing to look up from a fixated point on the ground. “I want to be with you. Let me stay with you.”

“Please… Please, look me in the eyes and tell me you want to work with me.” L isn’t going to let Light completely shut down, he can’t imagine what that will do to him. And emotionally speaking, L knows he can’t handle Light trying to starve himself once again. It was brutal enough the first time seeing Light try to destroy himself for his mistakes. He can’t let it happen again.

Light rubs at his eyes with his free hand, sniffling slightly. When he looks up, his eyes are red and puffy, glassed over with an an emptiness that breaks L’s heart in two. “Please let me stay with you. I need you.”

“Of course,” He spends a moment looking for the right words, “I.. need you too, Light. You’re very important to me. I’m relieved you’re choosing me.” He pulls Light close to him. There are things to arrange, Light’s things to pack, and a curt explanation to Light’s father. Soichiro likely won’t understand. No, with the way Japan’s culture and legal system works, he’s probably already disowned Light. But still, L plans to arrange a final meeting with Sayu and Sachiko Yagami for Light. He deserves that much.

He’s losing his freedom, but L plans to make it as painless as he can. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I think you'll get one more chapter of a sweet Light without memories, before we move into the core of what this is meant to be.
> 
> Additionally, I'd like to do some shameless self-promotion. My friend and I run rp/ask blogs for L and Light that are set some time in the Yotsuba arc, please give us a look. As you can probably tell from the Light url, it is intended that these two will eventually be dating as of right now they're in a weird middle ground.   
> Light: lightlawlixt.tumblr.com/  
> L: lawlixt.tumblr.com/


End file.
